Tales from the bipolar coaster

If I've seemed moody or angry or checked out (or currently bouncing off the damn walls) to you over the last few months, I've been really struggling with more-extreme-than-usual bipolar swings ... most have which have taken me to pretty dark places.

My doctor doubled my primary SNRI antidepressant five weeks ago, which sent me spiraling into confusion, delirium and flu-like misery, so she pulled back to half-doubling it (making it just 150% instead of 200%? I'm not sure how to describe this mathly) and it's given me a sense of clarity and presence and optimism I haven't felt in literally years and years.

But it hasn't affected the downward swings. It's a net gain, but it's far from working as we'd hoped.

Anyway, I just got back from a follow-up with her, and we've decided to stay the course for the time being while my brain continues to sort out this new SNRI influx. Maybe we'll go back to the double dose (of the original dose ... again, I'm not good at mathly descriptions) in the next month or so.

But! I'm not seeing her for eight weeks instead of four, which tells me she's seeing all of this as promising.

In the mean time (and retroactively to early October), please don't take it personally if I seem uninterested or unable or unprepared or unplugged. And please don't slug me if I'm bouncing around so much that I knock your heart out of rhythm and make you spill your coffee.

But please always bring me cookies and Diet Coke. I just might give you a wan smile as a reward.