Tuesday, April 30, 2024

Part of a weird, disconcerting, sometimes terrifying world

Facebook just reminded me that eight years ago I played King Triton in a big, splashy (ahem) production of The Little Mermaid and made my first appearance onstage on a wheeled platform with a Botticelli shell and nothing to hold on to for dear life.

Oh—and my doctor and I decided that playing a principal role in a show that involved being wheeled onstage on a small, Botticelli-shelled platform was the PERFECT time to wean myseof off the demon drug Cymbalta.

If you've never been on Cymbalta, I do not recommend starting. If you've ever stopped taking Cymbalta, you know that doing it in this context was just bonkers. I was always unsure of what exact direction I could find gravity. I was in a constant state of thick, memory-clouding fog. I got what everyone coming off of Cymbalta calls "brain zaps," which is the best attempt at a collective name for an impossible-to-describe colleciton of alarming things happening in my head.

And it didn't help that practically every entrance I made began with me angrily shouting ARIEL! and then struggling to remember what came next.

I barely felt present the entire run. You might say I was notter under the water. But you shouldn't. Nobody should ever say that.

Monday, April 15, 2024

There Will Be Light

Next to Normal—a searing, brilliant, Pulitzer-winning rock opera examining the lives of a family whose mother is desperately struggling with bipolar depression—opened on Broadway 15 years ago today. The show beautifully captures the swings between the ridiculous highs and the soul-crushing lows the disease brings to those of us living in its fogs and terrors ... and to the selfless teams of people who care for us.

I’m fortunate enough to have seen the original production, very soon after I’d been diagnosed as bipolar and had found myself caught in a rather terrifying struggle to wrap my confused, exhausted brain around the fact that mental illness was no longer a mysterious entity in other people’s lives; it was MY life, and I had no idea how to manage it or what potential and very real horrors to expect from it.

The musical is rough to experience from any perspective, but seeing it for the first time tore me apart ... and then put me back together with its closing anthem, “Light,” which features an almost casually placed lyric that is at once devastating and hopeful and never fails to sneak up on me and emotionally gut me even though I know it’s coming: “The price of love is loss / but still we pay / we love anyway.”

Back when I saw the show on Broadway, selfies were new and weird and shameful—and for you young folks, it was the Middle Ages when our smartphones had cameras that faced only one way and didn’t let us see on our screens what our selfies would look like so we just had to hold our phones in the air and hope for the best—so I took this one-try selfie as quickly and discreetly as I could to ensure an entire city of complete strangers wouldn’t judge me. It turned out rather well, although I cut off the last letter of the sign. Which means as far as any of you know, I actually just saw a knockoff production called Next to Norma.

I've been invited to be the Bipolar Person in Residence and talk to the casts and audiences of Next to Normal productions at two local theaters over the last decade. And while I hope it was helpful for the actors as they rehearsed and found their characters' realities, it was extremely helpful for me to have an opportunity to articulate the swings and uncertainties and terrors of living with a mental illness—both so I could explain any weirdness I've personally exhibited and to help the actors help their audiences better understand these realities.

While every bipolar mind is different and therefore every moment of Next to Normal doesn't exactly mirror my experiences, every note and every word of the show is brilliant and hits brilliantly close to home. And that closing anthem—sung by the characters not to each other but to the audience and to the present and to the future—encapsulates the struggles and hopes I live with every day in astute prose and powerful, emotional, wall-of-sound vocals:

Day after day,
We'll find the will to find our way.
Knowing that the darkest skies
Will someday see the sun.
When our long night is done,
There will be light.

Timber!

Eight years ago today—three years after leaving the hospital and just hours after taking the very first dose of yet another new bipolar med ...